I’m a “fixer”. I want to fix things for people. You’re sad? Here, let me cheer you up. You need help? Here, let me help you. I can’t ever make my own life perfect or the way I want (you’ll find out more about that in future posts), so I want to try and help everyone else’s lives be perfect.
But what happens when a “fixer” can’t fix things?
I often have a hard time handling reality. It’s not an easy thing for some people. For me personally, I like to escape — into books, into movies, into playing far too many hours of Sims (a recently reacquired addiction that I thought I’d lost after college).
When I do put myself into reality, I want to help others, do things for others, FIX things for others. Because that makes things better for me. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I matter and that I’m doing something right.
The problem is, I can’t always fix things…
I can’t fix things for my sister who can’t manage to collect child support from her ex-husband after suffering at his alcoholic abusive hands for years.
I can’t fix things for a teenage girl I know and am close to, who had her dream and her entire high school and college soccer career ahead of her, but now may never get to play again after tearing her MCL and ACL and fracturing two bones in the last game of the high school varsity season this year (where she was one of the starting goalies as a freshman). The girl whose whole life was soccer, and I can’t make that any better for her.
I can’t fix things for the little boy I see with fear in his eyes at the idea of having to go to his dad’s for visitation that weekend.
I can’t fix things for one of my best friends who just over six months ago found out her brother had been murdered but they still have no leads in the case.
I can’t fix things for a childhood friend that was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in the middle of a custody exchange, or her children (that I’ve never actually met) who now have to grow up with no mother and no father, or her mother who had to bury her daughter far too young and is now raising her grandchildren.
I want to help these people. I want to help so many people. But I can’t. Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, whatever. I can’t fix things for them. There is literally nothing I can do, and it breaks my heart.
And those are just a few examples…
Truth be told, there are days when I don’t handle it well. At all. Other days, I manage to not really thing about it much. Those are the good days.
But in the end, I have to try and believe there is a greater purpose for these struggles.
And that’s what gets me through not being about to fix everything. Faith.
I may struggle with my faith. I may stumble with my faith. But it’s faith that gets me through.